If you love me
by tomatos'n'turtles
Summary: What does one suicidal Italian and a coffee loving Spaniard make?...spamano What happens when Antonio finds out about Loivno's secret? How should I know. First chapters the shortest!
1. teaser chapter

Hi guys! so my first fic and hopefully a multi-chap, enjoy!

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He sat at the back booth coffee in hand, staring out at the cold grey sky. His name is Lovino Vargas,the moody 16-year-old Italian. He took a sip of his coffee as the next person was called to stage of the coffee house poetry reading. Looking to see who had been called he found himself peering into the most gorgeous emerald eyes he had ever seen. _Antonio _his boyfriend was going up on stage. He started reading and Lovi was lost in his voice.

_ His voice is like hon- what am i thinking! Chingi I need some sleep. _thought Lovino shaking his head. But even though he was another man his soft curly coco hair and his tan skin attracted Lovino. Getting up and placing some bills on the table he left the cafe and started to walk home. The crisp autumn air was biting at his ears and nose making him pull his scarf up a bit.

Once at home he put his things on the counter of his apartment and went to the bathroom. Inside he took out a small box labeled _'not yours tomato bastard'_ and opened it, in the box their were his razors, his most treasured objects. Pulling up his sleeve and taking one out he dragged it across his arm. Blood. Pain. Release. What more could he ask for?

He cut again and again, bleeding all over the carpet. _'damn that not going to come out... it was ugly anyway' _He cursed himself for being so careless with the mess. Stomach lurching he steadied himself on the counted vision fading around the edges.. Darkness... Then nothing.

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SPAMANO! sorry for the super shortness of this one the next one will be longer.


	2. Chapter 1

**Hi Second chapy! note: Lovino lives with Antonio even though he is 16... i will explain everything later**

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**POV: Lovino**

_Mama! Mama come back! you said you wont leave, you promised..._the memory fades out. I try to sit up, pain coursing through me. Damn it I went to far, I better clean up before my tomato bastard shows up. Wait "my" tomato bastard? Shit next I'll be thinking about potatoes and saying ve~. That idiota better be home soon. Checking my watch find the time is 5:37 and Toni siad he was going to be home at 5:20.

I stand up and throw the ruined rug in the hamper. 'I better clean up before that idiot gets home.' After a good ten minuets of scrubbing and swearing everything is clean and put away. "Damn it! That Tomato bastard needs to get here soon!" he yells to no one, and the as if on que "LOVI I'M HOME!"

"Just a second." he huffs at Antonio through the bathroom door

"I brought us some coffee and churros, Are you ok in their mi quederno?

"s-Si I'm fine just give me a minuet."

Lovino comes out a few minuets later to find Antonio sitting at the table with two coffees and a plate of churros. Antonio looked up from his half eaten churro and smiled. Now Toni was a petty happy-go-lucky kind of guy on the outside but was a hurt soul on the inside, not that he would share that with anyone.

"What the hell you damned bastard, your late." Lovino growled

"Sorry mi tomate I got stuck in a long line. Did you like my poem today, it was just for you mi amor." He says as he smiles his trade mark grin.

"Whatever idiota. And I'm not your amor!" Lovino really hated to be kept waiting, but he hated the nicknames more because the always reminded him about how Toni cared.

"Awww Lovi your face looks like a tomato~"

"Shut up!" Lovino says with a deepening blush.

After all the churros where eaten and the coffee drunk I laid on my bed and stared at the ceiling. 'Why can't I just be happy like Toni?' I laid there for a while thinking of every thing wrong with myself untill I started to feel tears in my eyes. 'Damn it men don't cry. But I'm just a scared bratty Italian that everyone hates so why shouldn't I? Even Toni hates me I just know it.' The tears in my eyes rolled down my cheeks in silent pain, 'why doesn't anyone love me, why do they leave?' More tears came pouring out, carrying all my pain and loneliness with them.

A knock on the door made me freeze. "Lovi can I come in?"asked the Spaniard "No go away bastard!" I said hearing my voice crack. "I'm coming in." And before I had any time to respond Antonio had entered the room and sat down on the edge of the bed.

"Lovi, mi tomate why are you crying?" He asked with eyes full of hurt and concern.

"I'm not crying damn it! I just have an allergy to your stupidity!" I said hoping Antonio would leave me alone.

"Lovino tell me whats wrong. Now." Seriousness was laced in his concerned voice.

'Oh no he used my full name he really is serious this time' "I just had a long day and I got mad is all." hoping Antonio would believe me I put on a scowl.

"Lovi sweetie you never cry cause you have bad days so whats rea-" He didn't have time to finish his thoughts because a pair of lips cut of his own. causing him to loose his train of thought and then a pair of Italian arms wrapped around his neck. Breaking away from the kiss Lovino tucked his head under Antonino's chin and pressed himself against his chest. The softest most broken voice said "Ti amo Antonio. "

"Te amo Lovi"

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**Well I will update later but now time for bed!**


	3. Chapter 2 truth

**Hi all! Just wanted to say thanks for all the follows and stuff! Love you lots!**

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I woke up to a dark room with barely any light coming in with the rainy sky's. I try to get out of bed but theirs something holding me down, a beautifully sleeping Spaniard. His arm is slung over my torso keeping me held down and close, his hand brushes the cuts on my stomach, I flinch.

I love Antonio, even though I never tell anyone not even my brothers Feliciono and Marcello, but I never let Antonio see my cuts. If he saw he would be disgusted and leave me, he would say I'm weak and worthless, I can't let him find out.

I look over and see that sleepy tomato bastards face and I reach out to brush away a curl, perfect. "Good morning Lovi" Says the bastard who I THOUGHT was asleep, shit he caught me staring. "Lovi you are as red as a tomate, Your so adorable."

"I am not adorable you damn tomato loving bastard! Now let me go I'm leaving!"

"But i don't want to let you go Lovi your so warm. mi tomate~"

After a few punches kicks and a very powerful headbutt I finally manages to break free form Antonio's grasp and go into the bathroom. Inside the bathroom I lift up my sleeves and look at my almost scabbed over cuts and shiny scars. ''I'm so pathetic, just look at what I did to myself.' Razors. I need mine NOW. Bringing out the specially marked box I pull out my favorite razor.

One cut to numb the pain, two cuts to place blame, three cuts to bleed it out, four because I did this too myself. Feeling better I Put the box away and try to find band-aids. Theirs a knock at the door. Shit. I quickly place some tissues on my cuts and wipe away stray drops of blood.

"Lovi hurry up I have to go potty!"

"Hold on a minuet." I say forgetting to curse, I am to dumfounded because he used the word potty. I throw the tissues in the trash yank my sleeve down and stomp out. Going into the kitchen I find that coffee was made so I pour myself a cup and sit at the table thinking of things to do (not do) today.

**POV:Antonio **

I finish washing my hands and suddenly *achoo* So I grab a tissue and blow my nose, but when I go to throw it away I notice something red. Blood. A lot. There in the trash is a tissue poking out with blood all over it. One thought comes to mind... 'Lovi'. I had always known Lovino was not a happy person but this, this wasn't possible.

I Storm out of the bathroom and see my Lovi sitting at the table staring out the window. Now comes the hard part.

"Lovi did you sleep well?" I say making my way over to the other side of our small table with a fake smile plastered to my face.

"I slept fine until I woke up to find some idiota trying to crush me!"

"Lo siento mi amor, but I just love to cuddle!"

"Pshht whatever." Lovi says looking away from me and out the window again. I grab his hand and bring it close to me, I see him flinch. Taking the hem of his sleeve I slowly start to lift it up, hoping he won't notice. But that doesn't work. Lovino tries to jerk his hand away but I keep a firm grip now it is time.

**POV:Lovino**

"What the hell bastardo?" I say trying desperately to free my hand. Looking at him I see his smile turn into a frown and hurt eyes stare into mine.

"Lovino is their anything you want to tell me?"

"No you bastard now let me go!" He pulls my sleeve up to my elbow exposing the truth.

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**0.0 what happens next?**


	4. Chapter 3

**POV:Lovino**

No. This was not happening, I must be dreaming. Kill me now. Antonio had pulled my sleeve up exposing all my cuts, scares, lies. Everything I had worked so hard to hide. I felt hot tears siding down my face, this was it he was going to leave me.

His grip loosened enough so I yanked my hand away and cover my arm. I was immobile, frozen as a statue. I didn't have time to process what was happening all I know was that I saw Antonio get up and go into the bathroom. I heard a crash.

**POV:Antonio**

I pulled up Lovino's sleeve to see if there was anything...I found something. All up his arm were cuts, some were still bleeding. I had no idea my Lovino was hurting so much. I saw him get his arm back so I stood up and went into the bathroom.

There had to be something I had missed every time I searched in our cabinets for medicine. I always look for medicine to give to homeless people so I take some of our expired stuff and give it to the sick, but never before had I seen anything sharp or dangerous. I looked again. Lovi's box I wasn't supposed to open, I took it and up the contents on the counter. Bloodied razors. I knew in that moment my heart broke more than it ever had before. I punched the mirror out of sheer frustration, it cracked.

I went back out to the table and saw Lovino hunched over crying. I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him close. His body stiffened and his breathing caught. I made small circles on his back not having the words to say. Eventually he started sobbing into my chest, so i picked him up and carried him to the couch. There I set him on my lap and hugged him.

"Lovino Vargas why on earth would you do that?"

"I-I don't need to tell you you bastard!" his voice clearly breaking in several spots.

**POV:Lovino**

My voice broke from all the crying. I hoped he wouldn't notice.

"Yes Lovino you do need to tell me." he said making me sad that he pretended to care even now.

"You bastard you should know! Every day I am ignored and mistreated by everyone because they all love Feli more! I'm just the screw-up who is bitter and will never be as good as my brother! I'm not nice or kind and I push people away because they don't really love me! Even grandpa loved my brothers more than me! Even you love Feli and Marcello more!" The last sentence was said in a whisper only meant for his ears.

** POV:Both**

Don't love him? I loved him more than I loved life. He was my world and to have him say that I didn't love him, that hurt. We all loved him, I wish he knew that. I slapped him across the cheek. "I Love you. Not your brothers. I fell in love with you not your siblings. And if you every say something like that again I will put you in a family intervention."

"You love me? N-no your lying. Don't say things you don't mean cause I cant take It anymore!" I couldn't believe him, not now. He had to be lying, he always was. Right? No one would ever love me.

"Lovino te amo I mean it! You the stars in my sky, ever since I meant you I have loved you. I love you." Hopefully he knew I was telling the truth, ever since we were children I had loved him with all of my heart. He was my first kiss, first date, first and only boyfriend. Mi tomate.

Tears rolled down my face again because I no longer had the will to fight Antonio. I let my guard down, just taking in the feelings around me. Antonio smelled of spice, tomatoes, and something else... himself. "Ti amo." I whispered, this was the first time I had meant it in a long time. He picked me up and carried me to bed.

I placed Lovino on the bed on the bed and crawled down beside him. I gave him a kiss in the cheek and asked "Can you tell me the story now?"

"Yes I thinks Its time you know you bastard."

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Up next is Lovino's sad story about his childhood!


	5. Chapter 4

"I was seven when she left us,my mother. She said she hated us more than our 'good for nothing father' and so she left us. She walked out the door and we never heard from her again. Me and Feli asked he why once.

_ 'Mama don't leave you promised! You said that you were going to stay this time.' I yelled at our drug abusing mother. 'Shut up you little brat! I don't love you, no one does.' she said and slapped me 'Mama Stop hitting Lovi that's mean!' said a young Feli 'Feli sweetheart stay out of this or I'll hit you too." _

_ 'Leave Feli alone you stupid head!' I got backhanded across the face, something red and metallic ran down my chin. She got her bag and walked out the door. After an hour Nono came and got us. He was a better parent to us but he always showered Feli with love, leaving me and Marcello with nothing but the feeling of second best."_

When I end the story Antonio and I are in silence. I can't stand to look at him any more so I turn my head to face the wall. I feel him give my hair a kiss, and pull my closer so that I'm sitting on his lap. I look up o meet his eyes and find tears streaming down his face

**POV:Antonio**

I don't know I'm crying until Lovino starts to wipe away my tears. How could anyone do that to my Lovino? How could someone do that to mi quederno? I never knew that had happened to Lovi, I guess I never really thought about it. The more I think about it and I start to get angry. How _could_ anyone do this to mi amor! I feel Lovino's hand on my face and I calm down a little.

"Lovi I never knew."

"I never told." He said to my, and for the second time today I felt my heart break. My poor Lovino, all I wanted to do now was hold him as close as possible and tell him I loved him.

**POV:Lovino**

I shifted so I could be face to face with Toni and I gave him a small peck on the lips. His hands wrapped around my waist and pulled me so I was flush against him. 'bastard' I kissed he slowly tongue swiping across my lower lips asking for entrance, I let him in. I feel him searching and wandering our tongues touching one another. He takes of my shirt and tosses it aside. _'let the fun begin'_

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_(No smut for you!)_

When I wake up I have Antonio's arms around me in a possessive manner. His chocolate hair is soft in the dark grey light. I just stop and listen to the rain hitting the pavement, the wind rustling the trees, the sound of every thing. Then I hear a soft jostled yawn.

"What time is it?" Asks a sleepy Toni

"5:23, time for dinner." I get out of bed and put on some clothes. I walk into the kitchen to heat up some leftover pasta for me and tomato bastard to eat. Arms wrap around me and a kiss is placed on my shoulder. I turn and say halfheartedly "Get of me you idiota!"

Toni just laughs it of and sits at the table waiting to be feed. When the pasta is ready i put it on two plates and set it on the table that already has a fork on either side. We eat in silence and when the meal is done we go to the couch and turn on the TV. I have no idea what were watching because I'm to busy with tumblr and steeling looks at Antonio. Oh god do I want round two... I mean look a squirrel.

But why did those lips have to look so inviting, why was he so attractive? I couldn't resist so I kissed his cheek hoping for him to respond. He looked at me and I gave him another kiss, this time on the lips. I set my computer aside and got onto his lap.

**POV:Antonio**

I felt Lovi kiss me no the cheek so I turned my head to see what he wanted only to find his lips pressed against mine. And in this moment I knew my only purpose in life was to make Lovi happy, to see his smile, to hear his laugh, to steel a kiss. I broke the kiss as I picked Lovi up and carried him to the bedroom. I set him down on the bed pulled up his sleeves and kissed every cut and scar I could see.

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**Till next time~**


	6. Chapter 5

Hi guys! So more on Antonio's story will be coming up and so here is the starter for Antonio!... sorry for taking so long

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POV:Antonio

The coffee shop where I work was slow today. All day their was only one or two people here at a time. I couldn't wait to get home to mi tamate~! He was just so cute!

After half an hour my boss decided to close shop early, so i got my things and headed out. Before I knew it I was at my apartment door, so I le myself in and called "Lovi mi tomate I'm home!" and set my stuff down. After a second I heard a cute Italian voice say "I'm on the couch bastardo."

Lovi was on the couch doing something on his laptop so I plopped down beside him and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. He looked away but I could see his ears redden and I couldn't help it so i said "Lovi you look like a tomato!"

"Shut up you bastard!" he said glaring at me. If look could kill.

"But you look adorable!"

"I do not you tomato eating bastard!"

"Alright have it your way." I say not feeling like getting into an argument over nothing. "So how was your day?"

"It was so damned boring, all I did all day was sitt around here doing nothing."

"Are you going back to work?"

"Ya, I go back tomorrow."

As we fall into idle conversation hours go by of just us, him and me alone. Times like this is when the world seems to stop. We just go back in forth taking our time just being in each others company But nothing can last forever...I here a knock at the door.

I open the door to find a man clad in black from head to toe, he holds out a letter and says "I am so sorry." He leaves and I go to the bedroom to open the letter. It reads:

_Dear Mr. Carriedo _

_We regret to inform you that your mother has passed away. She leaves everything to you in hopes that you will find proper counseling for your 'condition'. Her last words for you were that she will be so proud when you over come your 'condition' and she will hope that God will show you the way._

_-sincerely Sea Bay Funeral Home _

I crumple the paper up and throw it to the floor. 'condition'? 'condition my ass! This has gone too far, this is it, my last straw. I break down in tears. I knew I had to be strong for Lovi, but now I had to say hello to am old friend.

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CLIFF HANGER! sorry for not updating but I was super busy *cough cough*


	7. Chapter 6

So hi! P.S I Do NOT own hetalia or anything in it.

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An old friend... alcohol. When I was a younger teen age around fourteen and fifteen I would drink, That was a few years ago. I'm seventeen, I have a boyfriend who loves me and two friends that care... don't I?  
Lovino says he loves me but he also says he hates me, I love him but does he really feel the same? I take a swig of rum, I'm locked away in the bathroom drowning my sorrows.

I had waited till Lovi was at work and I had the day of to start drinking. I had always been so clean and sober around mi tomate but now I was too far gone to care. Why should I care about me? My family doesn't, I don't... no one does.

The door opens 'shit I forgot to lock it' Lovino steps into the bathroom.

**POV:Lovino**

The smell of alcohol filled the air in the bathroom, Antonio was sitting in the tub with a mostly drunken bottle of something. He looks up at me with glassy eyes and attempts to get up... well he tried. After falling back down I walk over and take the bottle away only to have him start crying like a baby. "Wovi why'd ya Do dat?"

"I did that causes your drunk off your ass and don't need anymore!"

Antonio just starts sobbing harder than before, much like a small child would. I help him up and set him down by the toilet and see if he is sick; after ten minuets of him just blubbering on the ground I take him to bed help him into him pajamas and start to walk out.

"Wovi stay." he calls to me, so I walk to the bed and lay down next to him. After awhile I heard his breathing slow down and deepen so I figured it was time to make a break for it, but his hand was closed around mine so I stayed and soon fell asleep too.

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**POV:Antonio**

The world was a bright loud wobbly mess. I woke up with my head pounding and my insides were trying to come up. I guess it had been to long since I last drank, and after all that time I had forgotten just how horrible the hangovers were. Lovi wasn't in the room so I wandered out into the living room, he wasn't there either. After searching the house I found a note

_ 'Tomato bastard, I went to the store ta pick up some food so don't do anything stupid while I'm gone.'_

So I start some coffee for myself and go sit down while that finishes. I go online for god know how long and when I snap back into reality a half an hour has passed. I got up to make my coffee and found Lovi sitting on the counter.

"Lovi! When did you get home?" I asked puzzled.

" Ten minuets ago stupid." He said he got of the counter and slowly walked over giving me a great hug. I huged him back thinking it was so unusual for Lovi to be so affectionate. I felt an immense pain in my stomach... Where Lovino had stabbed me. He smirked at me and right before I blacked out I heard him sneer "Ti amo."

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I woke up with no pain, just Lovi in my arms... It was a dream... but how much. Peaking at Lovi's wrist I saw the marks were still there. The calendar dated two days back, it had been a dream. Mama was not dead and I am fine.


	8. Authors note(ish)

So I think I'm done with this..unless you guys actually want more, but if you don't this is goodbye to the story. Bye~


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